I made the mistake of making eye contact with a skeevy guy on BART on my way home from Andy's tonight. I immediately knew it was a mistake, because as soon as it happened, I knew he was going to hit on me. I saw that look on his face. I saw him get up and move to the seat right in front of me. I saw him twitch nervously as if working up the courage to speak to me. For a while I thought maybe I was wrong, but sure enough, right before his stop he leans in and asks "And how are YOU doing tonight?" in a down-homey redneck accent he probably thinks is charming, but just sounds like fingernails on a blackboard to me. Luckily, his stop arrived before I had to endure any more of his conversation. Since I'm constantly getting hit on by men who should really know better, normal semi-retarded redneck men who think the punk rock girl who has fucked up hair and looks slightly mean might be a wild ride, I figured I should write a little guide for potential suitors to follow. In the event that you are interested in hitting on me, you should first answer these questions:
1. Can you play a musical instrument?
Euphonium and tuba don't count. Bonus points for guitar or drums.
2. Do you bathe at least weekly?
Bonus points for daily or every-other day, I'm not picky. I'm not even asking you to smell like flowers, just don't be greasy or have dirt under your fingernails.
3. Are your teeth reasonably straight, white, and well-brushed?
You would not believe the number of times I have gushed "OMG he has the cutest teeth!" to my friends. Honestly.
4. Can you solve x^2 + y^2 = -1 for all values of x and y?
Because I can't, and I need a big strong man to do my math for me.
5. Do you have tattoos?
Marine Corps insignia, and your mom/ex-girlfriend/baby's name don't count.
6. Is your soul bitter, black, and twisted like a black, bitter, twisted thing?
Bonus points for taking your enjoyment from the suffering of others!
7. Do most people think your sense of humor is odd, twisted, or cruel?
If I don't damn near pee my pants laughing at you, I don't want to date you.
8. Can you name five bands commonly found on college radio?
If our musical tastes don't intersect somewhere, you won't understand me. Which is not a prerequisite for boinking, but it helps.
9. Do you have some talent? Can you draw? Sing? Write? Play a mean game of Twister?
You need something special to hold my attention.
10. Are you at least 5' 10"?
Because so am I.
Bonus questions: Do you like big butts and you cannot lie?
Do you own at least one item of clothing bought at a thrift store for fashion, not thrift purposes?
If you cannot answer "yes" to at least 6 of these questions, don't even bother. Just walk away. If you don't just walk away, you'll eventually walk away screaming.
Posted by laura at August 14, 2002 12:10 AM 1. Yes! (saxophone)
2. Yes! (daily)
3. Yes! (well-brushed, at least; they're kind of crooked and I have this one wayward canine...)
4. Yes! (I had to write it out to be sure, though)
5. No.
6. No, my soul is more like a crumpled, used-up thing
7. Maybe?
8. Yes! But my information is 5 years out of date.
9. Yes! -- but you wouldn't believe me if I told you and you probably wouldn't let me prove it to you without dinner and a movie, at the very least.
10. Yes! I am six-foot-one.
Bonus: I like big butts and I cannot lie! The clothes generally available in thrift stores are too small for me. However, I still cook with and eat off thrift-store dishes purchased in 1997.
followed a string of links that led to your blog. i like you sense of humor.lol.your list made me think of what i could put on mine. anyway, i just thought i'd say! nice site...bye for now.
Posted by: Kris on September 1, 2002 12:44 AMGod damned imaginary number math, anyway.
Posted by: Shannon Prickett on September 1, 2002 12:44 AMIn any case, you gotta love BART and its superluxurious interior (in comparison to other subways).
I miss it there. :(
And dude, I can't believe you're 5'10! No way! I'm jealous!
Posted by: Bess on September 1, 2002 12:45 AM(I meant, I miss San Francisco, not BART... although I do miss BART a little...)
Okay I'll shut up now.
Posted by: Bess on September 1, 2002 12:45 AMThat's quite a list of questions for someone who plays with sock puppets.
Posted by: Random Attractive Web Geek on September 1, 2002 12:45 AMthat's just part of her mystique!
Posted by: squasha on September 1, 2002 12:45 AMAnd you're awful brave, sending snarky comments under the banner of anonymity, dude.
Posted by: Laura on September 1, 2002 12:46 AMHello Laura, I thought I'd say Hi! I just thought I'd tell you how me and Jennifer often talk about you in French class. She tells me stories of things you used to do in Jr. High. Some of them are very funny. She says she needs to call you too. Well just thought I'd say hi to you because next time I see you will probably be my graduation in 2 1/2 years or less. Love your sister, Stephanie
Posted by: Stephanie(your sister) on April 9, 2003 02:49 PM